I'm... confused. Slightly troubled, and yet.. content.

I have never felt such at peace and at the same time, so turbulent in such a long while.

Double double toil and trouble.. Fire burn and cauldron bubble..

So many resolutions. So many good intentions..

If I can help it, I'm never undergoing surgery. Ever. Again. Fucking doctors. Why do they always lie? "Oh this won't hurt a bit." "You'll only suffer minor discomfort, you should be fine and fit for work after the weekend."

Bullshit.

I hate needles. I always said in jest that was a good thing - at least it meant that my aversion to needles would keep me from ever shooting myself up. But when I have no choice... *shudders* I still remember how it felt when the anaesthesist stuck the IV in my hand. Oh. My. God. That hurt like a muthafucka. And then when they started shooting the saline into my bloodstream.. thank god they gassed me right then and there. I could feel a scream of pain trying to squeeze it's way out of my throat just as I was blacking out..

Shame the damn needle was still there when I woke up. When I regained full control of my senses, I was told I had a panic attack. Apparently I have an incredibly low tolerance to pain. Funny that.. and yet I managed to claw through the tattooing process. Hmm... The doctor said I started shaking uncontrollably and went very very cold.. all because of the damned needle. They finally pulled it out of my hand.. I can't believe what was required of me to finally get rid of the darn thing.

And the worst isn't even over. It's been a week and a half, and I can still feel the damn IV. My entire right arm is constantly sore, I swear a nerve got twitched. Goddamn doctors..

*rubs hand*

I still feel queasy thinking about it.

I just realised I've turned into my mother.

I dreamt of him last night. Funny, considering we haven't seen each other in maybe 3 years. He looked better than I remembered him to be.

It was an odd dream. I woke up with such a huge sense of loss.. I had to email him.

"Dear you.. remember me? I dreamt of you barely a minute ago. I hope you're alright."

Immediate response. Such delight in such commonplace words I haven't seen in awhile. I forgot you were always the jetsetter. People say that of me, but I would never have the courage to visit the exotic extremeties I know you have been.

Where to next?

Syria.

Lucky you.

"Let's meet up next week."

Oh definitely. I've missed you.

i tried writing something beautiful, but my tears wouldn't let me.

my heart's broken. to the point where i can't even write anything coherent. i apologise, but i may have to be away again for awhile until it's mended.

until then my friends, i bid you adieu..

I'll be MIA for about 3 weeks. I'm going on vacation. *cheesy grin*

I'll be back with plenty of stories, so that means plenty of blog entries.. we hope! *heh*

First things first.

That Crazy Frog. Oh. My. God. (yes, try doing that in a Janice from Friends voice.. classic) I swear if I have to hear the advert one more time, I'm going to throw something at the TV. Actually, I'd rather throw something at its creator. Preferably something sharp and pointy and long that will go clean through his body. With lots of hooks and sticky-outy stuff that will rip his insides out slowly, and incredibly painfully. I can't believe some multi-global zillionaire corporation bought the rights to the tune. I can't believe it stayed at number 1 on the Pop charts (I suppose that in itself should be some indication of the lack of taste of teeny boppers and the like) in England for about 4 weeks. I can't believe they black out his penis and ass crack when showing the advert on TV. *laughs* That always cracked me up. And now they even have a bear and duck and god knows what other animal version.

On to other more important things.. my exams are over! Hallelujah! I'd party, but I got sentenced to a week in jail (read: I went home). I'd go into detail about how my mother threatened to cancel my holiday next week (I laughed in her face), and then pulled out the dramatics by announcing her separation from my father and her decision to get a divorce (he rolled his eyes and I laughed some more.. yes, I think he's used to her histrionics after 22 years of marriage).. all because I decided to go out for drinks with my cousins tonight. I still went of course. I'm not normally disobedient, I generally give a shit when my mother throws one of her temper tantrums every time I plan on heading out late at night, but this time, I couldn't care less. I'm tired of catering to every whim and fancy of every fucking body, and that includes my mother. I'm twenty fucking two for crying out loud. If she can't get used to the fact that I HAVE a social life, even though I've suppressed it for the last 4 years every time I come home just for her, then that's just too bloody bad.

And finally..

Double fucking standards. It's ok for you to go out with Miss No Butt (oh and by the way, why won't you break up with her, you know, your current girlfriend a.k.a. ME so you can go back out with me again, because I'm so much better than her.. NOT) at all hours of the day.. spend all night at her place watching movies.. spend all night on the phone talking to her.. It's ok for you to wake up at your 'platonic' friend's house with her fucking hand on your penis, because let's face it, y'all are just friends right? Just like it's ok for you to go online into internet chatrooms picking up females 'for conversation' and claiming you're single because they won't speak to you if they knew you've been in a relationship for the last TWO AND A HALF YEARS, with, oohh let's see.. ME?!?!!! But of course it's not fucking ok for me to go on holiday with three guys, one of whom mind you, is GAY, and will of course be the one I'm sharing the room/bed with. Darling, be 'annoyed and displeased' all you want. I tried reassuring you, but quite frankly, I'm tired of it. The same exact way you got tired of reassuring me remember?

Yeah, Karma's a fucking bitch isn't she? Did I happen to mention she's a blood relative?

Last fucking exam.

In 12 hours, we'll be popping the champagne.

*big grin*

After much deliberation, I've come to the conclusion that life's just one huge repetitive cycle. It's a big fucking joke.. because we're all rodents running the same wheel over and over again -

we just don't know it.


Welcome to the rat race.

I hate it when I worry.

Because we both know I shouldn't ay?